It was 8 o’clock in the morning, the painful sound of the alarm was bursting through my ears but my body didn’t had the strength to get up and stop it. The rays of sunshine were falling on my face, usually that made me feel good and charge me up for the whole day but today it was different. I opened my eyes and regretted instantly, it was like the sun was staring at me with its full power and will not back off until it made me blind. Somehow I opened my eyes and tried to see, my hands were covered in red and there was blood all over my face and clothes. It was like mayhem and the sheets were covered with red stains all over. And suddenly I remembered the things that I did last night and how luckily im still alive.
I got out of bed and took a shower, then I went downstairs and made myself coffee. As I sat there on a chair with the coffee mug in my hand I was just reminding myself, today is a important day and I will try my best to behave and not make a scene. But I was not sure how long I could control myself. I heard my phone vibration and it was my mom calling
“Hey you’re up”
“Yaa just had some coffee, what about you?”
“Yaa we’re having tea, your dad and I”
“Ok. Ask dad what time is our arrangement?”
“10 o’clock son”
“Ok I will pick you up”
“Son are you ok”
“Yes mom, we will talk about this later ok, bye.”
And I hung up the phone, I just can’t express my feelings. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why can’t I just be human for one minute and let the emotions flow through me, then I wouldn’t have to make efforts in order to save myself from killing me at 3am. I needed help but I was also afraid of letting it go, as this is what I had left with me. I just couldn’t let it go.
I drove my car to my parents, pick them up and head straight to the destination. All of the family members were there everyone was sitting in the chapel. We were waiting for the priest to begin the ceremony. Two members of the church brought the coffin, it was white in color with golden linings just like a sea gull with golden wings. They opened up the coffin and began the funeral , everyone gave there condolences and said what they felt. I knew I was supposed to say something but I didn’t. I just sat there quietly trying my best not to loose my nerve. Then we went to the graveyard and the coffin was slowly layed on the ground. Everyone gathered around and gave there last rites, but I was just standing there staring at the coffin with my eyes red, I was so numb at that moment that the feelings also escaped my body and I was just a hollow being in the middle of a graveyard standing in front of a coffin with no emotions whatsoever. I knew I should be devastated but I didn’t felt it. The priest stated the last prayer and wished for the salvation of the deceased soul.
I reached home and somehow made it to my bedroom. As I reached there I just fell straight on the floor as if my body gave up on me and at that moment I felt no human emotion. My heart beat were flat, I was just skin and bones with a conscious mind that knows everything around it but just couldn’t t feel it. Lying on the ground I opened up her drawer to find something that would give me some kind of sorrow and make me human again but there was something underneath. It was a letter, from her.
“Hey honey,
Im writing you this letter today because what im about to tell you is something I couldn’t say it to you in person. Im trying to hide this and forget about this but I just can’t, it’s eating me alive day by day and I just have to confess it. I don’t know when you are going to read this, if im there with you or not but whenever you do I just hope you would forgive me.
Last week when you were out for the business trip, I met him. I didn’t expected to see him ever again after what happened between us, but I saw him in the restaurant across the street. He came to me and apologized for everything. I don’t know what happened but we started talking and eventually it lead to all the other things and mistakes we did in the past. I knew I was making the same mistake again but I just couldn’t help myself. One thing led to another and things went out of hand that night. I know he’s your brother and that’s what makes it so difficult. I cannot forgive myself for what I did, this pain inside of me is making me sick and you ask me everyday what’s wrong and I just couldn’t say it to you, I can’t let you go through what im feeling right now. I just hope you would forgive me for everything and don’t ever think that I didn’t loved you, I did more than anything in this world. You were my beloved but I didn’t deserved you. I hope you would forgive me someday.
Goodbye love.”
At that moment I knew, this is what drives a man to absolute insanity. I may not be dead at that very moment but I could assured myself that my soul has just left my body and I could feel it leaving piece by piece.
