Although not clinically diagnosed, I know I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) because it somewhat runs in my family. As I am growing old it has started to take a toll on me. By definition it means, Excessive thoughts (obsessions) that lead to repetitive behaviors (compulsions). It is a tendency towards orderliness, perfectionism and great attention to detail. Symptoms vary accordingly. For most of my life I have tried to keep it a secret or not let anybody know of the intensity of my problem. As days are going by, it has started to take a toll on my daily activities and I feel helpless. I want it to stop but my mind plays it's tricks. The only way I find relief is by writing it down.
My symptoms include
Things have to be in order always. If they are not, I get sweaty and my compulsions click in.
Everything should be neat and clean. I can't even tolerate a small piece of dirt on the ground. It has gone to the extent where I sit down on the carpet removing tiny pieces by hand for minutes straight.
I hate people who tend to run late, although on multiple occasions I have been able to fight this.
Perfectionist. My hands get sweaty and my mind tickles when I see that one light in my room do not match the other or when the bed sheet do not match the pillow covers.
I have developed body insecurities. I feel that if I do not workout one day, I'll get fat or if I eat after working out, I'll become fat. I have been able to fight this, yet I struggle.
Messy environments make my stomach crumble up and I struggle to fight it.
If I am doing like say an assignment, I'll tear off the page if the line that I drew is slightly imperfect or even if a single word is wrong. Things that you won't notice gets on my nerves.
I think somewhere down the line we all have ill-abilities that makes us sick and we keep if to ourselves. But I have decided to let it out this way. Because it gives me comfort. That is what matters to me now. Most of what I do, has a lot to do with what I am struggling with. So if you are struggling with anything, let it out the way you want. The more you hold on to it, the more it gets to you.
Let Go.
-With Love, Neha.